The Good Friday in parenting

Consider parenting. Children come into the world in a condition of complete dependence. They cannot operate as self-sufficient, independent agents unless their parents give up much of their own independence and freedom for years. If you don't allow your children to hinder your freedom in work and play at all, and if you only get to your children when it doesn't inconvenience you, your children will grow up physically only. In all sorts of other ways they will remain emotionally needy, troubled, and overdependent. The choice is clear. You can either sacrifice your freedom or theirs. It's them or you. To love your children well, you must decrease that they may increase. You must be willing to enter into the dependency they have so eventually they can experience the freedom and independence you have.

Timothy Keller, The Reason For God

Dads, wear the pants!

In this message, Mark Bowen (from Evergreen Community Church in Lakeville, MN) gives a compelling view of fatherhood from the life of John the Baptist. Specifically, Mark explains how these six characteristics of John's life are necessary to "turn the hearts of the children to their fathers."

1. John was poor in spirit. (Matthew 3:11 and 5:3) - His admission of moral bankruptcy was the foundation of his moral authority.

2. John obeyed by faith. (John 1:29-34) - This simply means that he obeyed God with incomplete information.

3. John had doubts and asked questions. (Matthew 11:33) - John found himself in prison because, in his trust of God, he was willing to be unpopular and when Jesus didn't follow his script, John took his resulting doubts directly to Christ.

4. John denied himself. (Matthew 3:1-2) - Interested in one the main ingredients in itching powder? Mark reveals it here.

5. John led courageously. (Mark 6:17-29) - He was willing to make the unpopular decisions and to be demonized because he was poor in spirit.

6. John fulfilled his limited role in the saving of civilization.

Mark's message woke me from a daze of confusion in my own fatherhood. It left me with a powerful new vocabulary and fresh vision for the big leagues of being a dad to which all other minor league experiences are only preparation. Watch it, I dare you. If it isn't one you hand out to all the dads you know, I'll give you your money back.

Mark Bowen - Main Session - 2011 GCC Pastors Conference from Great Commission Churches on Vimeo.

Leadership Fridays: A summary of vision for families at Summitview

I was blessed to look at this again today. It's a summary of our vision and core values as families at Summitview.

I'm posting it as a "Leadership Fridays" post because it reminded me of how critical it is to clearly and consistently remind your "team" of its objectives. What struck me was that this might actually be a little too wordy to remember and I haven't spoken of it in a while. So it's less of a statement of triumph and more of a reminder to diligently stay on target.

GENERATION TRANSFORMATION MISSION
Revealing the Gospel of Jesus Christ to the world through our families.

OUR CORE VALUES
Every member is growing in a passionate, wholehearted commitment to Jesus Christ (Deut. 6:5) which motivates their love and good deeds (2 Cor. 5:14, Titus 2:11-14). 

Families are teaming together to be involved in the Great Commission. (Matt. 28:19-20)

Husbands are committed to bear the image of Christ (Eph. 5:22-33) by leading their families into a deeper connection with Jesus (John 15:5), the Great Commission (Matt. 28:19-20) and the Great Commandment (Matt. 22:37-40).

Wives are committed to bear the image of the Church by trusting their God, helping and following their husband’s lead, and loving their husbands and children (Gen. 2:18, Eph. 5:22-33, Titus 2:4-5, and 1 Peter 3:1-6).

Parents are applying Biblical practices and Gospel-centered motives in training, educating and discipling their children. (Prov. 22:6, Prov. 23:13-14, Psalm 127:3-5, and Eph. 6:1-4)

Children are growing in their relationship with God, their obedience to their parents and their service to others. (Eph. 6:1-3, Col. 3:20, Prov. 23:15-25)

Additional Resources
The Family Should Be Valued... For Pointing

Leadership Fridays: It's unjust to overlook good work

"Can I have honey on my corn muffin?" 

It was chili night at the Majeskis and, in typical fashion, the kids' eyes were first drawn to the pure carbohydrate joy of their corn muffins doused in honey.

"No, sweetheart I want  you to eat your chili first, then you can have the corn muffin." 

This (or something real close) is a common commandment at dinner. One thousand one hundred and thirty seven times prior (approximately) I had reminded the children of this important command and it was about to drive me slightly nuts to do it the 1138th time. That is until I considered the thousands of reminders I have received from my Daddy - reminders much more important and more often ignored.

We finished thanking God for our chili and Whitney (our youngest), began to position her golden prize so it was immediately accessible (whether pre- or post- chili consumption I can't say). At this point Whitney's older brother Maclean, reminded his sister "Whitney, you're not supposed to eat that until you are done with your chili." The squabbling got under my skin and I was just about to launch into the Mac-don't-tattle-just-let-dad-be-dad speech when the Holy Spirit stopped me.

"He is correcting her, so that you will see what you keep missing; he is making the right choice."

Out of shear grace, I turned to that beautiful little boy and said, "Mac, I want you to know that I have seen that you have made a good choice and obeyed daddy. That pleases God buddy." I wasn't prepared for what happened next. Mac literally exploded into a cathartic eruption of laughter and tears. The family was moved and I was deeply convicted. Mac was wound tightly around a simple question, namely, "Does anybody see my right choice?" He was suffering under the tension of that question until the Spirit prompted his dad to answer it.

It was one of the most bittersweet moments I have experienced as a dad. What a joy to see his soul released from that tension! What a burden to see that I had heaped that tension on his little shoulders!

For God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love that you have shown for his name in serving the saints, as you still do. (Hebrews 6.10)

The author of Hebrews is telling us that it would be unjust of God to overlook the love people have shown for his name and it is unjust if we overlook it as well. Who is looking to you with that question; "Do they see my right choice, do they notice me at all?" It is unjust for you to miss it. A good leader, parent, spouse, and friend intentionally looks for moments to celebrate. Look for them and speak words of encouragement. Don't contribute to a pressure to look for answers in sinful ways.

And if you are tempted to believe that there are no grounds for encouragement consider this idea from C.J. Mahaney:

If Paul can say this:

I give thanks to my God always for you because of the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus (1 Corinthians 1.4)

To these guys:

It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that is not tolerated even among pagans, for a man has his father’s wife. (1 Corinthians 5.1)

We have no excuse to miss the evidences of grace in the people we lead.


Additional Resources
You give up a lot, don't give it up for the sake of giving it up.
Shakespeare, suns and a father's weight
Disappointment and the plan of God in a 5 yr-old

Counterfeit Masculinity

From "Future Men" by Doug Wilson

Counterfeit masculinity excels at making excuses. Because the "masculinity" is a matter of pride, not humble acceptance of responsibility, then anything which threatens that pride must be rejected. One of the things which always threatens pride is any kind of failure, and the way that insecure males deal with this is through making excuses. True masculinity accepts responsibility, period, while false masculinity will try to accept responsibility only for success. This is a key distinction and is worth pursuing at some length.
...
Boys must learn to say, regularly - to God, to others, and to themselves - that they were wrong when they were wrong, and that they were responsible when they were responsible. When they do this, they will discover that authority, naturally flows to those who take responsibility. That same authority naturally flees from those who seek to shift responsibility or the blame. When boys learn to do this, they are learning what it means to be a young man. When young men learn to do this, they are learning what it means to be a grown man.

Additional Resources
The "Men" posts at "...all things new"
The Men's Ministry Podcast at Summitview

"I can help daddy"

On a couple of occasions one of our children has overheard Shelli and I talking about financial concerns and responded by putting change into an envelope and giving it to us to "help." Two things hit me in these moments:

1. I am profoundly moved. It is an instant emotional explosion. Their wholehearted, no-strings-attached, because-I-adore-you response is pure beauty.
   
2. It is so small. A buck seventy-three isn't really going to help us pay many bills. What they are capable of bringing is so much smaller than the need and much smaller than I can provide myself.

Today I am overwhelmed by the amount of work I want to do. I can honestly say that much of it is motivated by a love for God. The thought that my Father sees a tattered envelope with a buck seventy-three is at the same time comforting, joy-giving, perspective-providing and energizing.

Well done kids.

Additional Resources
Matthew 14:13-21
Matthew 26:6-13
Mark 12:41-44
John 14:21-13
Luke 13:32
Romans 11:32-36
Hebrews 6:10

A parting wish from Jonathan Edwards to his congregation: a call to parenting

From Edwards 'Farewell Sermon' (The Works of Jonathan Edwards, Vol. I, p. ccvi.)

"Let me now therefore, once more, before I finally cease to speak to this congregation, repeat, and earnestly plea the counsel which I have often urged on the heads of families, while I was their pastor, to great painfulness in teaching, warning, and directing their children; bringing them up in the training and admonition of the Lord; beginning early, where there is yet opportunity, and maintaining constant diligence in labours of this kind." - Jonathan Edwards

Coming Attractions

Blessing and Reward (a parenting class for "amateurs") - 8 weeks, beginning October 29th at Summitview Community Church

"Building the Bridge" Parenting Conference Greeley, CO October 2nd - 4th

Summitview Community Church of Greeley is hosting a parenting conference on October 2nd - 4th, 2009. The speakers, Steve and Kathleen Nelson, are dear friends of my family and passionate parents of eight. For over 13 years, Steve and Kath have been mentors for Shelli and I and we are grateful for their biblical example and playful friendship. Steve is one of the pastors at The Rio (a recent church plant in El Paso, Texas) and he has authored a tremendous book on parenting entitled Premeditated Parenting (a top hander-outer for us). He maintains a blog with the same name (which is a must read for parents!).

I encourage you to make the investment in your family. Spend some time sharpening your focus and building convictions for glory of God in the next generation! Registration is $35 and is due next Sunday, September 27th - (.pdf) here.

OFFICIAL INVITATION

"Building a bridge is no easy task. You may be able to see where you are and know where you need to go, but getting from point A to point B is far from trivial. If a bridge is built without a plan and it is just slapped together piece by piece, there is little chance it will withstand the weight it needs to bear or the stress put on it by wind and storms.

Much of the strength of a bridge is in places most people will not look. Whether a bridge spans a body of water or soars over a valley, the piers that form the foundation of the bridge must be solid. The bridge may look good from the top, but the whole thing is at risk if the foundation is not properly established.
As parents, we may know where we are at right now with our kids and we may see where we need to go, but like any bridge builder, we have to have a solid plan. And we must build our children's lives on a solid foundation, or when storms come, their lives may crumble.

This conference is an opportunity for you as a parent (of kids of any age or even prospective parents) to learn what you need to make your plan and establish unshakable foundations. Our goal as parents, the other side of our 'bridge', is to see our children develop into adults that are not only capable and productive but that also desire to pursue God and His ways with all of their heart!

See you there!

Related Posts

Types: Abraham, the Father of Faith

Little Fear, Big Lobotomy

A Tractor Beam to a Duck Pond

Shakespeare, Suns and A Father's Weight

The Family Should Be Valued... For Pointing

Disappointment and the Plan of God for a 5 Year-Old

The Wise Builder and the Foolish Waster

Types: Abraham, the Father of Faith

A message for Father's Day and the second message in our summer series, "Types", which focuses on Christ revealed through characters of the Old Testament.

Fathers Are Followed

To Jesus and the apostle Paul, fatherhood wasn't merely biological. In 1 Corinthians 4:15-16 Paul claims that he was the Corinthian's father in the Gospel and, for that reason, they should imitate him. Jesus expressed a similar view of fatherhood in John 8:44 when he told the Pharisees that the devil was their father because their will was to do what he desired.

Abraham, the Father of Faith

Both Jesus and Paul refer to Abraham as a father but only to those who follow him. In Romans 4:11-12, Paul tells us that Abraham is a father to all who walk in the footsteps of his faith and in John 8:39-41 Jesus plainly states that, if the Pharisees were indeed Abraham's children, they would be doing the works Abraham did.

The Footsteps of His Faith

For what does the Scripture say? “Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness.” (Romans 4.3-4)

In this passage Paul quotes from Genesis 15:6. It is the beginning of a stunning exchange between God and Abraham where God confirms his promise to Abraham (to be the father of many nations) by establishing a unilateral covenant.

In the ancient Middle East covenants were confirmed by each participant walking through a bloody path created by killing several animals, cutting them in half, and laying them on either side of a trench. The walk down this path would symbolize that each participant would likewise shed his own blood if he broke the covenant. In Genesis 15, God establishes his covenant with Abraham by passing through the blood path alone in both directions! If Abraham broke his end of the covenant, God would shed his own blood not Abraham's! This loud, Old Testament proclamation of the Gospel was the basis for Abraham's confidence for the rest of his life.

Abraham feared God and trusted in his promises.

How Abraham Becomes Our Father and How We Father Like Abraham

As we fear of God and trust in His promises, we follow in the footsteps of Abraham's faith and he becomes our "father". We join him in the supernatural family that receives a righteousness from God apart from the law. And we father like Abraham in the same way - as an example of faith!

Fatherhood = Example

Our children need an example, not of a morally perfect father (which is impossible for father and child), but of a dad who fears God above all and who puts his hope in God's Gospel promises. Think about it. Your own father's legacy was shaped by what he feared and what he trusted. Undoubtedly these things have left a great imprint on your soul. So it will be in your own family. What do you fear more than anything? What do you trust?

Abraham believed God... Audio

Little Fear, Big Lobotomy: A Parenting Repost

Double-mindedness is prevalent in the world of parenting. As parents, at least two things increase the temptation to turn off the brain.

First, children are our pride and joy and I don’t say that as a good thing. Much of our identity can be connected with our children. I would love to present my kids to the world as perfect because then, of course, I would be perfect by proxy.

Second, parenting requires my whole heart. Faith, prayer, time, resources, love, discipline and more are required of me (when it is lease convenient) and I’m not especially happy about that. The ideal situation would be to have perfect kids without the work. Would you like to hear some great (and deadly) news? I can achieve this logically inconsistent goal temporarily by simply turning off my brain.

My children's fear gets me all kinds of double-minded. Fear has its place in human life. I fear standing in a busy street and I fear being punished for stealing. That healthy fear is not what I am referring to. Israel was afraid to enter the Promised Land. Peter was afraid to align himself with Christ and denied knowing Him. This unholy fear is a lack of faith and is, consequently, sin.

There are times when I have asked my children to follow me into something that has aroused their fear. It is easy to look at scared little eyes and say, “Well they’re afraid, certainly they don’t need to obey me if they are afraid.” But that would deny the fact that the child has disobeyed me and, therefore, has disobeyed God (Eph 6:1, Col. 3:20). I am tempted with redefinition of obedience because, again, it allows me to avoid acting. Before I suspend my logical faculties, I should stop and address the situation for what it really is. The child does not trust me, they are questioning my authority and, if I allow it, I am training them to bring that tendency into their relationship with Christ. I am not furthering Christ’s instruction in their life:

“I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do. But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has authority to cast into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him! Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows." Luke 12:4-7

God calls us to recognize His supremacy over all things first and, in light of His supreme goodness, to not fear the things of this world. When I give allowances to my child’s fear of following me, I am giving them a predisposition to oppose Christ’s instruction as adults.

This does not mean that I address this disobedience coldly. There is a need for compassion (Matt 9:36,Hebrews 4:14-16) as I understand this sinful fear, but there should be no room for redefining the event, which allows me to remain passive. The child’s fear is rebellion and it needs to be addressed.
A practical example may provide some clarity. Several years ago my daughter, Ryene, was home with me while mom was in the hospital with our then new baby, Hudson. Ryene woke from her nap terrified from the noise of a couple hundred crows in the towering cottonwoods around our home. As I tried to console her and calm her fears, something dawned on me. I needed to address this fear. Something about the health of her femininity required an assurance of daddy’s protection.

Now to this point in the story, Ryene had done nothing wrong – this fear in and of itself was not a problem. The problem arose when I decided that we were going to actively address this fear.

“Da crows, papa – dem crows scah-wee!” she sobbed.

“Ry-Ry it is ok. Daddy is here and you are safe,” I insisted. “Now we are going outside to see that those crows are nothing to be afraid of and that daddy will protect you.”

With that instruction, fear consumed her. “No papa, no!” she screamed and now we had a problem.

Her fear had led to a distrust of my instruction and to disobedience that must be addressed. Trust me, this little blond-haired, blue-eyed cherub has me wrapped around her finger and I was tempted to give up on this conviction. I saw the emotion and I saw the trouble we were heading into because of her disobedience and my excuses began to take form.

This was a defining moment.

A double-minded, non-thinking rationale would have allowed me to stay passive and still claim some success.

“I know she said ‘no’ but clearly she is scared and now is an opportunity to show grace. Surely I shouldn’t push her beyond her comfort that would be unfair. Yes, that’s it – this is a matter of justice to a little girl. She’s a good kid and I’m a good parent.”

Thankfully, God spurred me on to finish what I started and deal with her fear and subsequent rebellion. So I picked her up and we headed into the heart of her fear – the front yard under the cottonwoods. My mission was to deal with these crows and have Ryene see it. My arsenal consisted of two wooden pizza paddles.

The girl was terrified and begging to go in. I set her on the ground by my side and, while she had a death grip on my legs, I calmly told her we were staying. I began to slap those two paddles together. The first “crack” drove the majority of the crows away. Ryene’s countenance began to change. The second and third strikes left all but about 5 crows. As Ryene watched intently, I realized there were no alternatives now – every crow must be scared away.

These five crows seemed deaf. Slap after slap did nothing to unnerve them. The stakes were high and I was beginning to question how this was going to end. Finally, after a flurry of blows and one paddle shattering into splinters, every crow left. I will never forget the next 30 seconds. Ryene looked at me with peace and gratitude and proclaimed “Wow, papa! Ur bigga den dem crows!” As I picked her up, all her tension had left and she fell into my arms. Several sweet moments passed between father and daughter when I realized that we had an audience. Several neighbors watched the whole thing.

I am certain of two things. That day, my neighbors became convinced of my instability and, that day, my daughter’s soul was served. Ryene was not allowed to let fear reign in her heart and to disobey. She learned that she was safe to trust her dad. For months following, she would address any crow with a defiant “Go way cwows, my papa’s bigga den you!”

Granted, these are small steps in the process of building her into a devoted follower of Christ, but I would have missed them had I rationalized her disobedience. It was critical that I saw the situation for what it was – rebellion. Sure it was driven by fear, but it was rebellion all the same and I needed to address it.

Reinterpreting my child’s defiance (whatever her motive) does her no good. She is a broken sinner in need of redemption and I must address that clearly regardless of the action it will require. If I check my brain at the door and ignore the obvious, her soul will suffer as my life temporarily experiences ease. Rest assured, the chickens will come home to roost and I will see my cute little cherub as a rebel.

May God give us strength to clearly, consistently and graciously deal with our children when it matters.

A Tractor Beam to a Duck Pond: A Parenting Repost

From 10/25/05...

“He’s fine.”

“I’m not comfortable with him walking alone, Mitch. You need to be closer.”

“Shelli don’t worry. He’s fine. He’ll come back.”

No sooner had I said those words, Hudson, our 18-month old at the time, made a determined B-line for the duck pond. This fabled duck pond was the centerpiece of Cabela’s front lawn at their mega-store in Sydney, NE. It was by all accounts a cesspool. A disgusting shallow body of waterfowl waste diluted by the fertilized runoff of the several-acre lawn. Our son was heading straight for it - imagining some ecstasy lay within that brown sludge.

My first reaction was to rely on my well-developed vocal authority. “Stop Hud! Hudson stop!” It didn’t take long to realize that my words did not have the penetrating affect I had banked on. I might as well have been speaking with the residents of “Poo Pond.”

Hudson still had about 20 wobbly feet to go so I banked on a set of wheels I never really had and, if I did, had lost 15 years ago. Totally winded from my grueling 40 yards, I reached Hud a second too late – we met in the pond. I remember clearly how horrified I was watching him walk into that pond without breaking a stride. He literally disappeared under the “water” a second before I jumped in. After some fishing, I grabbed an arm and pulled him out. He wiped his eyes, peered around frantically, pointed at the nearest waterfowl and proclaimed, “Duck!”

Just to go on record, my wife was right. He was headed for danger and needed to be stopped much sooner. Hud did nothing wrong, his dad did.

As I have pondered that moment for the last two years, several things have come to mind. We should all be careful to “listen” to the events of our life, as God’s intent is to instruct. This moment was meant to be a metaphor for the parenting experience in years to come. It has taught me at least 5 things.

1) OUR CHILDREN MAKE A B-LINE TOWARDS SIN
Hudson was doing what came naturally to him; he was headed for his destruction. Now, there is nothing theologically novel about that statement. We still believe that "nobody's perfect" and, inso doing, we agree with the bible.

David confesses his inherited depravity in Psalm 51.5 and Paul reveals the sin of all humanity in Romans 5.12. Still to some this inherent wickedness in a child may be a important revelation. Others may be tempted to drift at this point, but ask yourself this question “Do I really believe that Junior is in a condemnable state of sin?” Honestly, do you see your child as broken - beyond human repair and in need of a Savior? Does your parenting practically bear this mark?

Herein lies the novelty in my metaphorical story. I didn’t see that Hudson had a tractor beam on that sludgy pond. Beyond any wisdom he was headed for the pond and his destruction, happily babbling along the way. I believed he would stop. That is the only explanation for my inaction. Is there inaction in your life towards your child’s broken tendencies (even the potential “ponds” looming in the distance)? It may very well be that what is intellectually novel has not yet burdened your heart. My child is headed for sin, because he desires it. That is the simple, terrifying truth.

2) OUR CHILDREN PREFER WHAT IS VILE TO WHAT IS TRULY BEAUTIFUL
I am not kidding. This pond was disgusting. Thinking about it today still makes my skin crawl. Hudson was all over it. Something about that pond was so desirable, so attractive that he was willing to throw caution to the wind and embrace it completely.

Now I can teach him how to stop when I command it, to stay close to my side at all times and I can even fence off the pond but these efforts will be impotent without a revolution of his desires.

The boy needs to see something different. He needs to see that his “natural desires” are foolish, temporary and dangerous AND he needs to attach his heart to a greater desire. This will guide his life while in and OUT of my presence.

I believe this is the primary task of parents. Help them see the silliness and treachery of sin and the Glory of God. Give them a weighty passion for God (mostly because it exists in your life) and they will see the duck ponds of life for what they are and reveal the satisfying greatness of God to the world around them.

The author of Hebrews admonishes us to all develop this in our lives with this analogy:

See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; 16 that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal. 17 For you know that afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears. Hebrews 12:15-17

Sin is a bowl of cereal – temporary and unsatisfying. Our birthright is eternal and satisfying. Teach them this. Pray they will see it. Don’t stop.

3) I CAN BE TOO LATE
I believe this is what traps most parents. At the pond, I didn’t have the urgency - the sense that I have a window of opportunity to direct this child. My tardy burden did nothing for Hudson. He still went in. You must engage with your child today. There are duck ponds, idols, "not-gods" that have grabbed your children’s hearts and you must address them.

What agony has beset thousands of parents as they have helplessly watched their children fall into the sludge? Have forward moving faith today and avoid backward peering regret tomorrow.

4) OUR KIDS WILL BE OBLIVOUS TO THEIR SIN IN THE MOMENT
Hudson provides a clear picture of what it means to be deceived. He was just snatched from doom and STILL focused on the object of his affection. Think of your own life. When sin has entangled you? When it has you are not thinking consequences, you are not thinking ruin – you are worshipping. Your idol has your focus and the only conscience that remains is self-gratifying at all costs. This is deception. This is being hardened by sin’s deceitfulness (Hebrews 3:12-13). When your kids fall in to the pond, this is their condition.

Wet and dripping in the pond is not the time for instruction. It is the time for eye-opening correction. The best thing for a porn addict staring in worship at his computer screen is not a break for some instruction in the truth – it is for his wife or colleague to enter the room, exposing and rebuking his sin.

Instruction must be developed before desire is conceived (James 1:14-15). Here, a hundred yards before the duck pond, the heart can still be directed to worship the Creator instead of the created things. Daily instruction and renewal in the Scriptures, faithful proclamation of the greatness of God (Psalm 78) and consistent prayer shape the heart before the tractor beam locks onto the duck pond. This is the development of wisdom and every one of us needs this, our kids most of all.

Incidentally, this is the purpose of Proverbs:

To know wisdom and instruction,
to understand words of insight,
3 to receive instruction in wise dealing,
in righteousness, justice, and equity;
4 to give prudence to the simple,
knowledge and discretion to the youth—
5 Let the wise hear and increase in learning,
and the one who understands obtain guidance,
6 to understand a proverb and a saying,
the words of the wise and their riddles.
7 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge;
fools despise wisdom and instruction. Prov. 1:2-7

5) I SHOULD LISTEN TO MY WIFE
Enough said.

May this image of a boy, a duck pond, his passive dad and his concerned mother be a useful parable for your parenting.

Shakespeare, suns and a father's weight

This is the first of a series of parenting posts from days of yore to be re-posted over the next few weeks. This one was posted on March 3, 2006.

---------

As I approached the mini-van in the garage, I noticed that Ryene (our 6 year-old daughter) and Hudson (our 4 year-old cowboy) were sitting quietly and waiting for their dad to go run some errands. I was encouraged. They were happy, singing songs and laughing and they had obeyed their dad quickly and completely.

Now, a father's relationship with his daughter has all the elements of the great love stories: a strong protective hero and his beautiful princess; strength and beauty. Something internal urged me to take this moment to remind her of my love. So I quoted the famous balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet.

"But soft, what light through yonder mini-van door breaks? Tis the east and Ryene is the sun!" A broad smile overtook her whole face and she nearly cooed in delight.

"Da-addy!" she giggled. We laughed together, I gave her a kiss and closed the door.

A father's relationship with is son is something different. As I walked to the other side of the van to buckle Hudson's seatbelt and close his door, I found a boy shaking in tears. There are times when you know that your child's tears are welling up from the soul and this was one of them. It took a few minutes to settle the boy down and, when I did, he revealed the source of his pain.

"You said sissy was da son!" he cried. Hudson heard that his sister was the s-o-n not the s-u-n. The same words that exposed, the greatest joy of my daughter's heart had exposed the deepest need in my son's heart. After some explanation about Shakespeare and homonyms, I gave Hudson the words that every son seeks:

"Hudson, look at me. You are my son and I am well-pleased with you."

Maybe through the tears welling in my eyes, maybe through the earnestness of my voice, but most likely by the grace of God, he read my sincerity and received my words. The pain and angst this misunderstanding had created disappeared. A smile rose on his face like the sun. Redemption.

May God grant me the grace to tune in to the rumblings of their hearts. There are deep things going on and, if I am self adsorbed and inattentive, I will leave them with a lifelong ache and a misunderstaning of their real Father.

The Family Should Be Valued... For Pointing

The family is more than a structural unit ordained by God from the foundation of creation. It is a metaphor created to express something breathtaking (Romans 8:15-16, Ephesians 5:32). So there are things (authority within the home, sexual intimacy between a husband and wife, nurture, discipline of children, Deut. 6  discipleship, etc) that must remain in the family and no other sphere has the right to interfere with it (lest the metaphor be destroyed). The church, the state, or any other entity should not co-opt these rights and God-given responsibilities. 

Marriage and family are metaphors created by God and God's metaphors are to be experienced in fullness (holiness) and the great scope of authentic emotions that result from following his commands (love, joy, comfort, etc) and disobeying his commands (jealousy, rebellion, anger, disappointment, etc). This is not a plastic metaphor. It is living and breathing and ... POINTING.

But to what?

Earthly families point to the family of God that will remain in perfect harmony for eternity under one head. That is what I mean when I say the church - God's chosen and beloved family. She will exist for eternity and Shelli, Ryene, Hudson, Maclean and Whitney (Lord willing) will be in that family with me. We will all have one head and it won't be me or some super-apostle it will be Christ.

Passages that guide my thinking here:
Jesus and his brothers have one source - a Father (for who and by whom all things exist) who brings them to glory

For it was fitting that he, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering. For he who sanctifies and those who are sanctified all have one source. That is why he is not ashamed to call them brothers, (Hebrews 2.10-11)

There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. (Ephesians 4.4-6)

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, (Ephesians 3.14-15)

God's eternal purpose in Christ was that the Church exist to express the manifold wisdom of God

so that through the church the manifold wisdom of God might now be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly places. This was according to the eternal purpose that he has realized in Christ Jesus our Lord, (Ephesians 3.10-11)

We are growing into one head

until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love. (Ephesians 4.13-16)

Jesus came to bring a sword to families... (because if they are divided in Christ, they will be divided in eternity and not in the heavenly family together)

“Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. (Matthew 10.34-39)

What hope for family for the fatherless? or family-less?
The family of God provides hope for the orphan, the widow, the alien, the stranger - they can have family and, not only that, the perfect family that the earthly family is pointing to!

Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation. God settles the solitary in a home; he leads out the prisoners to prosperity, but the rebellious dwell in a parched land. (Psalms 68.5-6)

Paul/Jesus do not address - "the families of God that meet in the church at ..., etc." 
(Romans 1.7, 1 Corinthians 1.2-3, 2 Corinthians 1.1-2, Ephesians 1.1-2, Philippians 1.1-2, Colossians 1.1-2, 1 Thessalonians 1.1, 2 Thessalonians 1.1-2 and Revelation 2.1)

What is more important? The pointer or...?
Churches can cross a boundary and ask too much of families and involve themselves in matters that are not their jurisdiction. This defames Christ and wrecks the metaphor God created in the family. But many, for the sake of family, isolate themselves from vulnerable, mission-oriented, Christ-centered, God-designed community with those who will be their eternal family and that also defames Christ (John 13:35). He destroyed the walls dividing humanity (Ephesians 2:14) and will be glorified for making out of many tribes, tongues and nations one family to forever sing His praises. Families are glorious and should be defended because they point to this end not because they themselves are the end.

And they sang a new song, saying, “Worthy are you to take the scroll and to open its seals, for you were slain, and by your blood you ransomed people for God from every tribe and language and people and nation, and you have made them a kingdom and priests to our God, and they shall reign on the earth.” (Revelation 5.9-10)

After this I looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, with palm branches in their hands, and crying out with a loud voice, “Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!” (Revelation 7.9-10)

to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. (Ephesians 3.21)

Additional Resources

The Devil Votes Christian Values: Why We’re Tempted to be Glorified Satanists Rather than Crucified Followers -an outstanding message by Russell Moore about Satan's desire to broker with us to pursue 2nd things over the things of first importance (1 Cor. 15:3-4) HT: Justin Taylor

Disappointment and the plan of God for a 5 year-old

"Everything I have just breaks, I only had the fly for a few minutes and it broke to. I'm so sad daddy!"

Through tears Mac expressed his 5 yr-old despair. It was all his daddy could do to stay in the moment and NOT rescue him.

For some weeks now, one of Mac's favorite things has been an Incredibles Ice Pack.  It was intended, like any cartoon Band Aid, for injuries, to make them seem less traumatic but Mac just froze it and carried it around until it thawed.  A few nights ago Mr. Incredible suffered loss.  There was a slight tear in the ice pack and a leak of the bottom-of-the-nuclear-reactor fluorescent goo inside. There was no fixing it. The instructions actually said, if broken, to throw it away immediately. We complied and promised Mac that we would help him buy another one if we could find it.

A few days later we were in Target hunting for the Incredibles Ice Pack armed with Mac's handful of change.  To Mac's disappointment, we came up empty-handed.  On the way home we decided to search for our quarry at the dollar store.  The ice pack remained elusive, but Mac did find something that caught his eye; a rubber fly also filled, curiously, with bottom-of-the-nuclear reactor goo.  Mac was satisfied with his purchase and all seemed right in the world.

Not ten minutes later Mac was crying out with disappointment as his firm little grip had squeezed the guts out of his brand new toy.  It was heartbreaking.  He was sad and covered in toxic, sticky chemicals.  Immediately, his brother and older sister offered their dollar toys to assuage his disappointment.  I felt the same compulsion, but something in me restrained the urge.  The moment seemed to be God's (aren't they all?). I blessed Ryene and Hudson but told them to hold off.  

"Your hearts are amazing but I don't think that is the best thing for you do right now."

Mac was more than a little surprised by my restraint and my explanation.  

"Mac, I think maybe God is trying to teach you something. The bible tells us that hope deferred makes the heart grow sick.  If we put our hope in things, eventually they break and it can make us heartsick.  Jesus is the greatest and he will never break and never change.  That's why the bible says that the one who hopes in him will never be disappointed."

Mac wasn't quite buying it.  He was still consumed with disappointment in the disemboweled rubber fly (which will forever be a metaphor for my "lesser" hopes).  After arriving at home and burning his clothes in a hermetically sealed incinerator (o.k. I'm exaggerating...it wasn't sealed that well), we sat down for lunch.  Mac was still weeping.  In an attempt to orient him in some gratitude, I asked him to thank God for our lunch.  This is what he prayed...

"God, (sniff, sniff) please help me to not put my hope in toys (sob)... help me to hope in you."

It may have been the most ardent plea for God to grant repentance that I have ever heard.  It simultaneously broke my heart and sent it soaring.  Mac may not remember it but, the next time I'm sobbing and holding a gutless rubber fly, I will.

The Wise Builder and The Foolish Waster: Give your child Proverbs

It can be challenging to plan biblical instruction for your kids.  I'm sort of a hack, but for 2 years, I have been working with my kids (minus Whitney, 2) to develop an understanding of the Bible as a whole (context, meta-narrative, themes, etc).  We finished last fall with some Gospel training.  The kids memorized a Gospel presentation to get the concepts of sin, justice, substitution, atonement and repentance floating around in their thoughts.  

Last month I felt it was time for Hudson (7) to start having some time on his own to contemplate the Bible and pray. The wisdom of the Proverbs seemed like a great place to start (bite-sized thoughts, applicative to his life) but he wasn't quite ready to read them proficiently, so I tried to have him sit and listen to a recording of a chapter on repeat for 10-15 minutes.  The idea was that he could write down what touched his heart and then we would discuss his thoughts.  The "I'm-suffering-under-'bible-boredom-torture'" look on his face revealed the limitations of that idea.   Despite the failed experiment in "auditory bible learning" one good thing did happen;  I was reminded of a theme from Proverbs and a new idea was born.  The book is dedicated to painting a contrast between wisdom and foolishness; between a "Wise Builder" and a "Foolish Waster."  

For the last couple of weeks Hudson and I have been reading the Proverbs together (starting in chapter 9) and making lists.  We have a simple sheet of paper with two columns.  One column is entitled "The Foolish Waster" and the other column is entitled "The Wise Builder."  As I read, Hudson will raise his hand when he hears a description of either one. This exercise has proven to be a fantastic way to examine this biblical wisdom.  We can only do about 10-12 verses everyday but the time is very productive.  Hitting Proverbs after getting the big picture of the Bible and a decent understanding of the Gospel has proven helpful for Hudson. That background helps him sort out the themes of foolishness, sin, wisdom and the role of instruction and discipline while keeping Jesus and the Gospel at the center of it all.

Here's our list to date to get you thinking:

"The Wise Builder"

• heeds discipline - 10:17
• holds his tongue - 10:19
• delights in wisdom - 10:23
• fears the LORD - 10:27
• speaks wisely - 10:31
• has integrity - 11:3
• is righteous - 11:6
• doesn't gossip - 11:13
• sows righteousness and reaps a sure reward - 11:18
• is generous and prospers - 11:25
• thrives like a green leaf - 11:28
• wins souls - 11:30
• loves discipline and knowledge - 12:1
• his speech rescues him - 12:6
• his house stand firm - 12:7
• cares for the needs of his animal - 12:10
• works his land and has abundant food - 12:11
• listens to advice - 12:15
• overlooks an insult 12:16
• brings healing with his words - 12:18

"The Foolish Waster"

• ignores correction - 10:17
• spreads slander - 10:18
• has no judgment - 10:21
• enjoys doing bad - 10:23
• sees God's ways as ruin - 10:29
• says one thing and does another - 11:3
• is cruel and brings trouble on himself - 11:17
• his hope ends in wrath - 11:23
• is not generous and comes to poverty - 11:24,26
• becomes a servant to the wise - 11:29
• hates correction - 12:1
• a disgraceful wife is a foolish waster - 12:4
• is despised because of his warped mind - 12:8
• chases fantasies - 12:11
• trapped by sinful talk - 12:13
• shows his annoyance at once - 12:16
• has reckless words that pierce like a sword - 12:18 

Everyday we read the lists together and it has been a blessing to see Hudson grow in a sense of a life wasted and a life that has eternal significance.  Everyday he sees something in this list that is applicable and impossible and so, everyday, he is growing in a sense of his need for the Gospel and for the sanctification of the Spirit.   We finish with a simple prayer claiming the promise of James 1:5 for both of us.